It was at Weston's funeral when I think reality finally set in for me. It was a hot, humid day and right as the funeral had ended the rain started. There I was sitting in my chair under the canopy staring at this tiny casket. My baby was in there and they were about to bury him. He was going in the ground and I was supposed to leave. But I couldn't leave. I couldn't let them bury my son! What mother would just leave her son and let some strangers bury him in the ground? He is human! He can't breathe under there! I knew when I left, that was it! He would truly be gone, I would never in this life see him again. So I just sat there, in my chair. I didn't have the strength to leave. In that moment, I convinced myself I would just stay there for the rest of my life to keep them from burying him.
There is no instruction manual to living after you loose a child. No one gives you pamphlet about raising the little girl who just lost her little brother. I was lost when I left that hospital without him. What now? How the Hell to I go on? I felt so empty. If I didn't have my mom by my side, I would probably still be that empty vessel. She carried me through the worst time in my life. She was the person I trusted, she was my heart mind and soul when I couldn't be. When I looked at my mother I knew I could get through this. I knew I could get back up and be a great mom for Ava. I knew someday I would smile again. I knew this because she had been in my shoes before. My mom was my instruction manual because she lost her first born at birth. My mom is my rock and my greatest teacher. I look at her and I see everything I hope to be. I've spent many nights in her arms, many days listening to advise, and many tearful moments where we just cry together. I know with my mom by my side, I will have strength.
My mom and I have always been very close, best friends. So close that I can't really say that this experience brought us closer. I don't think that was possible. Her children and grandchildren are her world. She retired early so that she could help take care of Weston and Ava while I work. She had Weston every single day while I worked. She dedicated her life to taking care of my children. So when Weston passed, she lost a piece of her heart just like I did. He meant the world to my mom, and he was taken from her. So she was grieving with me, her baby was gone too. Yet, she's focused her grieving on me and Ava and taking care of us. She told me once, "I can't even grieve myself because I just want to take care of you!"
She is the most selfless person I have ever met. She is everything I aspire to be. She has always been my best friend, but through this experience she is a part of me. She's been by my side the whole time giving me everything I need to keep going. She is my blessing from God, the angel Weston made sure I had.
Stuck in my chair, staring at my son's casket with no possible way of telling my body to get up. I couldn't do it. the next thing I know, my mom is beside me. She grabs my hand in my lap and just sits there with me for a moment. I squeezed her hand then she looked at me and said, "I got you. You jump, I jump." The only person in the world that could ever get me out of that chair just told me everything I needed to hear. Hand in hand, we stood up. We stepped together and started making our way to the car. That was the longest walk of my life. When I lost all strength and fell into her arms, she carried me the rest of the way. You jump, I jump. Everything I go through in life she will go through with me. And if I need her to, she will carry me. My mom is the most beautiful woman in the world and I am thankful she is mine.
