This moment. What I wouldn’t do to have this moment one more time. It’s not ideal, it was far from our best day together. In fact, it was the worst time in my life. But in that moment, he was here with me. He was warm, his cheeks were fluffy, his skin was so soft. It was one last moment with my baby boy. On the most devastating day of my life, something pretty spectacular happened. It was his last day here. At 6pm that night he was scheduled to go back to the OR and donate his organs. It was a day full of goodbyes but not before Weston could leave me with one last gift, a song just for us. I’ve never publicly talked about this story. In fact, very few people know about it. It was always this private thing to me, just for me and West. So why tell the story now? I don’t know. I heard the song today and something strong came over me telling me to share. Maybe someone out there is struggling today and needs to hear it. Maybe I have some subconscious need to be understood. Maybe someone needs to know that miracles happen, even if it’s not the miracle you are desperately asking for. I don’t know why I feel the need to talk about it now, but I do, so here it goes.
It was June 21, 2016. Our last day with Weston before they turned off the machines and let him rest. I knew at around 6:00 he would go into the OR to donate his organs and I would never see him again. I knew this was my last day to soak him up. We went into the hospital on June 16th and I didn’t leave until he did. I spent every day and night by his side. Nights with him were special. Most of our visitors would leave for the evening and it would just be me, a few of the closest girls in my life, and Weston. I had a small group of girls that stayed with us the entire time, every day and every night. I was too devastated at the time to realize, but I know now that what they did for me and Weston (staying with us) was so beautiful. At night we could settle down and just be with him. The doctors went home, visitors left, it was just us and the nurses and it was peaceful. But I didn’t really sleep, out of fear of losing any time with him. So on our last day I was tired...emotionally and physically. So I crawled into his bed with him, snuggled up next to him, wrapped him in my arms one last time, and I took a nap with him. It was oddly tranquil. As if I had just forgotten where we were, ignored all the wires and machines, and it was just us two cuddling in bed like we always did. When I woke up from my nap an hour later, I was very calm. This was weird because before that moment I was a basket case, for obvious reasons. I can’t explain it, but when I woke up I just felt peaceful. I kept humming this tune in my head. I knew it was a song I knew, but I couldn’t think of what it was or any of the words, I just kept humming it. I stepped out of the room for a while to give Weston and his dad some time together and I went to tell the girls about this song that’s stuck in my head. I can’t remember how I figured out which song it was but sitting there surrounded by my closest confidants I realized it was “All through the night” by Cyndi Lauper. Anyone that knows me knows that I loooooove 80’s music and I love Cyndi Lauper. But this particular song was not one that I listened to, it was really obscure. I knew I hadn’t heard it recently. In fact, it had been so long that I had to play the song on my phone just to remember the words. That’s when I decided there had to be something behind this, there had to be a reason this song was stuck in my head at this exact moment. So, surrounded still by my girls I read the lyrics aloud to them and it hit me. Weston was talking to me through song. All of us, with eyes full of tears, read through those lyrics and we were able to connect a personal meaning to every single verse in the song. It was heartbreaking and magical all at the same time. In the saddest moment of my life, I was overcome with love, peace, and calm. I was just calm, that’s the only way I could explain it. So to this day when I am missing Weston, I play this song. Some days (like today)it will randomly play and I know it’s my baby talking to me. It’s a song about spending the night together and keeping someone close during a dark time. I’m pretty sure the lyrics meant something else, but to me it was very clearly Weston telling me that he has been with me every night and that night in particular (I had so much anxiety about that night) he would still be with me. This song helped me in so many ways, it calmed me during an inconsolable time. I think that was the moment I realized that even though his body was still here, his soul was already in Heaven. I didn’t have to worry about him feeling any pain during the surgery, because he no longer felt pain. I didn’t have to worry about leaving him because he was with me. That song gave me the strength to kiss him goodbye. Up until that moment, I had no idea how I would be able to get in the car and leave him. But through those lyrics, he told me that he would be with me through the night. It was his last gift to me, the miracle I so badly needed in that moment. My heart ached for a different miracle. I wanted him to wake up so badly, that was the miracle I wanted. But that wasn’t his fate, he was already with Jesus. So he sent me this song instead. It’s not nearly enough, but I wouldn’t have made it through that night without it. So with a song in my heart and a kiss on his cheek, I went home and so did he. All through the night I'll be awake and I'll be with you All through the night This precious time when time is new Oh, all through the night today Knowing that we feel the same without saying We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends, there is no end All through the night Stray cat is crying so stray cat sings back All through the night They have forgotten what by day they lack Oh under those white street lamps There is a little chance they may see We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends, there is no end Oh the sleep in your eyes is enough Let me be there let me stay there awhile We have no past, we won't reach back Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends there is no end Keep with me forward all through the night And once we start the meter clicks And it goes running all through the night Until it ends there is no end💙
