Mother’s Day 4 years ago. It was also coincidentally that last time I got pictures with both of my kids.
I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately. They say grief comes in waves. I would say it’s more like the tides. To say it comes in waves would imply that there are times when I grieve and times when I don’t, and I don’t completely see it that way. A mother never stops grieving. There’s high tide, when your grief is at its highest, and low tide when things are a bit easier. Funniest thing about both analogies are that Weston’s favorite place was the beach. Regardless, it’s been high tide for me lately. Coming off of Autism Awareness Month, going straight into Water Safety Month, and constantly seeing the rate of childhood drownings rise abnormally high this year, I just feel like I have have been particularly sensitive to my grief lately. With that being said, I’ve had such a beautiful Mother’s Day with my kids and family. Normally Mother’s Day without Weston is hard for me. He is missing and celebrating being mother without one of my children hurts. That hole in my heart seems larger on days like this. But today I felt whole. Today was low tide. I can’t explain why, but rather than finding myself wallowing in self-pity or sadness, I was finally able to just be thankful for the 7 beautiful Mothers Day’s that I had him. I am so thankful for this moment and this picture. I am so thankful for the beautiful girl in this picture and how much strength she has given me through these years. Ava keeps me going and because of her I make sure that I don’t just survive this life but I live life with joy and love everyday day. I am so thankful for the twin-ado Abigail and Thomas and all the happiness and love they have brought into our lives. I know the high tide will come again, and that’s ok because I know just how blessed I am with all 4 of my children, and I will make it through with full arms and a bursting heart! My greatest joy in life is being their mom and today was about celebrating that.
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