3 months have passed, it's been a quarter of a year. I go to work, I smile, I continue living life. But life has not gone on without him, there is no getting over the pain of losing your baby. You start a new life, I am a new person. I am a mommy to a child that I can't hold or see. I am a mommy to child who asks for her brother everyday. I am a daughter and granddaughter to grandparents who have had their grandson taken from them. I am a sister to brothers and sisters who miss their nephew. I am a aunt to a little boy who misses his best friend. I am many things but most of all, I am so lost. The only thing that is certain to me is that I will never be the same, I am forever changed. On June 18, 2016 there was a clear divide drawn in my life. A ending of my former life, and beginning of this new life I will lead. Without any warning, without any instructions, I have to learn how to be this new version of myself. Just like becoming a parent, there is no owners manual or guide book, you learn as you go. But this time without all the joy and excitement, instead it's disbelief, confusion, and fear of the future. I am slowly finding my way and slowly learning how to live this new life. But it is a slow process. So, please be patient with me. You may see me smile, I may appear as if I am ok, and this may make it hard for you to understand that I am not. But, I have to continue to try because if I don't, I will never get there. I lost a piece of me when Weston went with God, and I will NEVER be whole again. I will forever go to the boys section when clothes shopping, always reach for M&M's at the store, resist the urge to order Mac n cheese at restaurants, and I won't ever stop listening out waiting to hear his humming. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some wounds become scars you wear forever. I will forever wear this scar. This is the last picture I ever got to take with my baby. It was taken the day we had to tell him goodbye. The last day of my old life. I will ALWAYS ache to feel those soft squishy cheeks. I will ALWAYS be his mom. But I will never again in this life get to relive this moment. That is a wound no time can ever heal. But the scar I will bear will be beautiful, and I will wear it with so much love and pride.
